With the 2008 NBA draft less than a week away, I thought it would be apropos to list the 10 things the New York Knicks must do this offseason to improve their chances of having fans for the upcoming actual season. So without further chitter chatter on this hea matter:10. Do something with Marbury - Buy him out to keep him away from the new Knicks, or trade him for someone who may actually be able to help, such as Jermaine O’Neal. I know O’Neal is injury prone, but if we can have an actual shot blocking, defense minded big man to anchor this team, even for just 62 games a season, it would help. Plus O’Neal’s contract runs out before the ever so important 2010 offseason. Trust me. I’m what beat writers refer to as an inside source.
9. Trade Zach Randolph - He’s fat, he’s egotistical, and he’s always up to no good. Kind of like that pouchy Schleichkorn character. Get whatever you can for his overpaid ass; I would accept a trade for Wally Szcerbiack, Larry Hughes, or if we’re lucky Rasheed Wallace. Just get rid of this guy and don’t take on too long of a contract for him.
8. Buy Out Jerome James - He’s fatter than Randolph, he’s lazier than me, and he’s taking up a roster spot and being paid $6 million per year to practice with the Knicks a couple of times each season. Cushy job. Let him go, and I promise you he will never play in the NBA again. Although I don’t ever really remember him playing in the NBA in the first place.
7. Get Eddy Curry a Personal Trainer and put him on a Raw Foods Diet - Maybe we can get Woody Harrelson in on this. Actually, bad idea. We don’t want Eddy hittin’ Wesley Pipes all offseason. Seriously, can we get this fat-ass a quality trainer and keep him away from Depot Sevs? This is a guy who can actually play the game but just can’t ever get in shape. If he lost 25 pounds I guarantee he will be able to get his feet to leave the ground.
6. Drug Test This Group of Losers - I swear to Zorgo these idiots are on something. They have blood shot eyes, they run slow, and they genuinely seem to not give a fuck about winning games, which is their only job which they get paid millions and millions of dollars to do. Take some advice from the Hulkster and lay off the Ludes Dudes.
5. Rehire Anucha Browne Sanders - She’s rich, she’s pissed, and she’s got something to prove. Make this broad Isaiah’s boss and have her torture him every day and it will help the Knicks greatly in the Karma department.
4. Bring in Patrick Ewing as The Big Man’s Coach - If anyone can teach Eddy Curry how to be a dominant New York Big Man, it’s number 33. In fact, bring him and the Oak Tree in to assist in coaching these pussies and watch how much tougher the Knicks will instantly be.
3. Hire Pops From Major League to Be the Manager under D’Antoni - I know this position doesn’t technically exist, but Pops took the Cleveland Indians, which was the biggest group of losers ever, and turned them into a ruthless band of misfit super athletes who refused to lose. Maybe this suggestion is just a bit outside the box, but me and Bob Uecker both think it could work if given the chance.
2. Make every player on this Godforsaken team play Summer League - This would be so degrading in some respects, but it might just work. Summer league is typically reserved for rookies, and sometimes second year guys. But the Knicks are just a lazy ass motley crew who needs their asses kicked into shape. This would be a big punch in the nuts but I would make every guy on the roster play summer leagues to give them a little reality check.
1. Don’t Screw Up the Draft - We have the number 6 pick next Thursday. I would have preferred to get the number 1 or 2 pick, obviously, but number 6 isn’t bad. We need to make the most of that pick and draft someone worthwhile, be it O.J. Mayo, Jerryd Bayless, or even Russell Westbrook. If anything, try your damndest to trade up to the number 3 or 4 pick so we get who we really want. Make it happen Donnie!
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