I grew up in a town where if you were white and Jewish, you could ball. That’s just how it was. As Biggie said “You either slingin’ dreidel tops or you got a wicked jump shot.” Unfortunately, not all people are born Jewish and freakishly athletic. So, without further ado-doodie-do-do (My Bit), here is the cellar of basketball players, or, as we call ‘em, hoopers:
10. Sean Bradley - White and Jewish= Balla. White and Mormon= Hooper. If you’re 7’6 and you’re still total garbage, just go home and clean the ceiling or something. What a useless, gigantic, ugly human being. The only job I could see Sean Bradley being useful at would be as my butler, teamed up with a midget butler. One would clean high and the other would clean low and they would always have to work in tandem and wear tuxedos. Only in a perfect world. Sigh…
9. Tim Thomas - One of my best days as a Knicks fan was when he got traded away. So long, loser. Underachieving, lazy, hideous basketball player who does not deserve to be rich. I should be rich, dammit.
8. Sam Bowie - Sam Bowie technically isn’t a horrible basketball player. His career stats are somewhat respectable. The reason he’s on this list is because he was drafted right in between Hakeem Olajuwon and Michael Jordan. Yes, the Trailblazers passed on Michael Jordan with the second pick in the 1984 draft to take Sam Bowie. Worst draft pick ever. Seriously, choosing him 2nd instead of Jordan changed basketball history forever. And that’s the bottom line, cause DT said so.
7. Adam Schleichkorn - Wasn’t this kid owned by Bill Wennington, a garbage basketball player in his own right. Why yes, yes he was. The one exception to the white plus Jewish equals balla rule, Schleichkorn is regarded as many in the Huntington area as a one trick pony. One dimensional some might say. Yes he can shoot if given about 7 feet of space, but other than that, there’s just not that much there. Plus he’s only 5’7, which doesn’t help matters. At least he had a chain net in his driveway before all the other kids on the block. Way to go, Ad.
6. Jerome James - “Big Snacks” is what I like to call him. He’s fat, he smokes trees, he eats McDonalds, and he certainly doesn’t like to play basketball very much. At least the guy makes $5 million a year to play about 11 minutes/season. Thanks Isaiah, you did a great job screwing up my team for a long time to come. I’m surprised you didn’t offer the MLE to Schleichkorn while you were at it.
5. Froggie - You know that guy who nobody wants to play with because his idea of defense is to smother you and just foul constantly? Where I’m from, we called that guy Froggie. Froggie is cool as shit. Everyone loved hanging out with him, and he was a good, loyal friend. But give him a bottle of vodka and a basketball and he’ll wind up in a knife fight within the next day because he fouled the shit out of his opponent while asking him if he believes in Jesus. Jesus.
4. Frederick Weiss - Another loser poorly drafted, this time by my very own Knicks. And Isaiah wasn’t even with the organization when they made this decision. We could have had Ron Artest, who, as much of a nut job as he is, is one of the best 2 way players in the game today. Plus Vince Carter posterized him while rockin’ a full head of hair! Should’ve stayed on that propecia, Vince.
3. Carlton Banks - We all remember who ran the Bel-Air Prep basketball team, and it wasn’t Mr. Polish Prince, it was the Fresh Prince. Carlton really sucked pretty bad, and he was almost as short as Schleichkorn. Thankfully, just like when I came to the rescue for the Whitman Wildcats, Big Willie came in to handle his business. I always loved that episode because the court is about 15 feet long and the rims are like 7 feet high. Very realistic.
2. Garrett Steinger - No surprise here. Already internationally known as the second worst basketball player, the rumors are absolutely true. He was good when we were 10 years old and nobody could figure out how to guard him because he was a lefty. Unfortunately that trick only works until about age 12. Add on a knee injury and 85 pounds of blubber, and you have your present day Garrett Steinger, otherwise known as the second worst basketball player ever. Which leads us to…
1. The Snake, The Rat, The Cat, The Dog, aka James Catusco - Yes folks, this was even more obvious than the number 2 slot. At age 13, young James loomed over his peers at an intimidating 6 feet and 3 inches of height. And yet, he was never quite able to make the cut. Nevertheless, no matter what Raja Bell might tell you, James Catusco is undoubtedly the worst basketball player ever. And this shall be his legacy throughout all of history.
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